दीपिका

फ़रवरी २०१९ में दीपिका की शादी होने के बाद सब लोगों की तरह मैने भी यह मान लिया कि वह खुश है। शादी का फैसला जिस तरह से हुआ उसके बाद यही मानना मेरे लिए ठीक था। लेकिन एक साल बाद उसका फोन आया और उसने रेखा से बताया कि उसे कई तकलीफें है। जो तकलीफें उसने बताई, वैसी तो शादी के एक साल बाद ज्यादातर लड़कियों को होती हैं - सांस का ज्यादा सख्त होना, पति का घर के काम में हाथ ना बटाना, नौकरी छोड़ने की सांस की जिद, बच्चे करने का आग्रह। 

फिर वो यहां आई तो पता चला कि कहानी में बहुत कुछ और भी है। उससे बात करके जो पता चला वह लिख रहा हूं।

१. शादी के ६ महीने बाद विशाल (उसका पति) ने आत्महत्या करने की कोशिश की। कारण: उसने शेयर के सट्टे में ₹ ४५ लाख गवां दिए थे - वह भी शादी से पहले। सट्टे में लगाने के लिए पैसे उधार भी लिए थे। उधार चुकाने के लिए सोने की चैन, अंगूठी और कार गिरवी रखी। लेकिन उधार उतार नहीं पाया। इसके अलावा अपने भांजे से भी पैसे लगवाए। वह भी डूब गए। घरवालों को कुछ नहीं बताया था। जब उसके पिताजी को पता चला तो उन्होंने दस लाख से ज्यादा देकर कुछ उधार चुकाया। अभी भी ४-५ लाख क्रेडिट कार्ड का बिल बाकी है।

२. विशाल का काम शेयर बाज़ार में सट्टा करवाने का है। इंदौर में कई लोग यह काम करते हैं। फोन और इंटरनेट से लोगों को सट्टा करने को ललचाया जाता है। इस काम के लिए हर साल एक नई कंपनी खोलते हैं। किसी ग्राहक के ठगीकी शिकायत करते ही कंपनी बंद करके नई खोल देने का चलन है। विशाल भी यही करता है।

३. सट्टा करवाने के काम से शादी के बाद घर में कुछ कमाई नहीं आई। घर का खर्च ₹३-४ हजार का था जो दीपिका कि तनख्वाह से होता था। राशन और बाकी समान गांव से आता है। नए घर का कुछ समान दीपिका ने खरीदा। अब तक १ साल से ऊपर हो गया, लेकिन विशाल की कोई कमाई घर नहीं आयी। दीपिका की जामा पूंजी में अब कुछ पैसे बाकी है।

४. शादी के समय ऐसा बताया गया था कि विशाल ने घर खरीदा है। लेकिन वह घर उसके पिता और भाई के नाम है और उन्होंने ही उसका डाउन पेमेंट किया था। मासिक किश्त भी विशाल के पिता देते हैं। विशाल के पास घर खरीदने के पैसे कभी थे ही नही। अब तो कार भी नहीं है। 

५. विशाल ने दीपिका को पहले ६ महीनों में अपने नुकसान और काम से आमदनी ना होने के बारे में कुछ नहीं बताया। पूछने पर टालता गया। दोनों में कई बार झगड़े हुए। जब सारी बात दीपिका को पता चली, तब भी झगड़े होते रहे। दोनों के वैवाहिक संबंध कभी ठीक नहीं रहे। इसके कारण झगड़े और बढ़े और कई बार २०-२५ दिनों तक बोलचाल बंद भी रही।

६. दीपिका शुरुआत से सारी बातें गोपाल से बताती रही। लेकिन गोपाल ने ये बातें किसी को नहीं बताई। दीपिका ने भी किसी और से नहीं कहा।

७. गोपाल और दीपिका का कहना है कि यह आपसी संबंध की समस्या है। विशाल का परिवार के विचार और रेहेन सेहेन भी दीपिका को पसंद नहीं।

८. मेरा मानना यह है कि इस शादी का फैसला अजीब ढंग से हुआ था। परिवार के सारे बड़ों ने फैसला गोपाल पर छोड़ दिया था। और गोपाल ने दीपिका पर। मैंने विशाल के काम को लेकर विरोध किया, लेकिन सब बड़ों ने उसे अनदेखा किया और गोपाल ने कहा कि दीपिका सब जानते हुए शादी कर रही है। जो तकलीफ होगी उसे सुलझानी पड़ेगी। मेरा मानना है कि इस तरह चलता रहा तो दीपिका किसी बड़ी मुसीबत में फंस सकती है। नहीं भी फांसी तो भी खुशी में रहेगी इसकी संभावना कम है।

९. मैं यह सब इसलिए लिख रहा हूं क्योंकि मुझे यही करना चाहिए। हो सकता है मुझे फिर से अनसुना किया जायेगा। मुझे जो सही लगता है, वह नहीं होगा। दुख होगा, लेकिन पिछली बार से कम।

खेल खेल में

एक मेहमान, गौरव बच्चों को खेलते हुए देख रहे थे। खेल था एक दूसरे पर मोजा फेंककर मारना। सिद्धार्थ फेंकता और श्रेया उठाकर हमला करती।

गौरव देख रहा था। मै सुन रहा था।

गौरव: क्या खेल है?
श्रेया: मोजे से हमला करना है।
गौरव: तो कौन जीतेगा, जो ज्यादा बार मारेगा?
श्रेया: ये जीतने का खेल नही है, मजे के लिये खेल रहे हैं।

कुछ देर खामोशी।

गौरव: ऐसा करें, point system रखते है। एक बार लगा तो.....
सिद्धार्थ (बात काटते हुए): वैसा नही करना है। points गिनने मे बहुत time चला जाता है। खेलने का मजा भी नही आता है।

फिर खामोशी...

Will A Test Score Tell Me Anything I Already Don't Know?

"Your son is so good at English Literature. Get him to compete in this forthcoming event. I'm sure he'll rock the show." It was the umpteenth time this advice came in. I felt the same when I saw the photograph of my friend's daughter with her silver medal at the national championship. It'll do so much good to his self confidence.

But something didn't feel right. It's not about the pressure to win or even the risk of losing and feeling low. It's something deeper.

Sure, I felt good when I won a quiz or was chosen the school captain or received my grade promotion within the first year. But it was someone out there who made a statement of my worth. When I lost or did not receive the expected promotion, then too, it was someone out there making a statement about my worth (rather the lack of it). I got so used to being evaluated by others, that I soon lost the sensitivity to my own assessment.

Subtly, very subtly, the meaning of 'worth' had changed completely to 'relative worth'. Only the top three or five felt worthy; not because of their intrinsic worth, but due to the inability of others to match up.

Why? Just why should I get my children used to such a demeaning method of evaluation? I'm happy and proud of his ability to read, comprehend and express himself. I don't need a test score to tell me that he's good at it. And why do I need to know how many others are not as good as him? There's no rationale!

So, will they never take an exam? They will, when there is a need to. The result of an exam is like a board on the road, which says that a specific place is 125 km away. Just because another place is 245 km away, it does not make one place better or worse than the other. It's not something to feel happy or sad about. The score of an exam may suggest that I'm suited to study engineering or I'm not. If it indicates that I'm not, I should find something else that I'm suited to. So, when there's a purpose they'll take an exam but not for any other reason.

They're quite likely to be aware of their abilities and worth without any outside entity's ratification. They're not going to a school or living in an environment of competitiveness. But as parents, we must hold ourselves from evaluating them on meaningless scores. That's a test for us.

We're on A Different Train

Friends, relatives or acquaintances are often skeptical about the correctness of the decision to homeschool our kids. Replying to questions does border on justification rather than explanation. Part of the reason is that the questions are rhetorical and carry an undertone of judgement.

The other part of the reason is that, although we now view life, understand circumstances and take decisions from a very different paradigm, we’ve grown up with the same paradigm as those posing these questions. It is a paradigm, in which success is co-related highly with income, wealth, designations, qualifications, fame, recognition, social status, etc. Even when we tend to evaluate people, we are not indifferent to what they’ve achieved on these parameters. So, when people pose the question, we don’t miss the point at all. We create theories about how our kids can scale the same heights though they’re on a different path. The skepticism in their questions is a mirror image of our own.

Will they really be successful in the same games? A friend once pointed out that the path to success has been defined and refined by years and decades of experience across generations, geographies, cultures and living conditions. Is it really easy or even possible to find an alternate & better path to the same place?

Then, is our decision to homeschool correct? It's not an easy question. Many of us sometimes hide behind replies like, ‘ultimately, what matters is happiness, whether one achieves wealth, fame, power or doesn’t.’ Other times, we bring in perspectives of social justice, human rights, ecological responsibility as reasons why we ought to seek happiness or contentedness at lower heights of success. But these replies don’t really diminish our desire to still beat them at their own games. We still want our kids to be successful. We still would like them to earn respect – more so from the same skeptics who today question our ways.

In trying to justify, for many, vindictiveness becomes the mission of life. Every time the child solves a tricky maths problem or writes a poem, they run to report it to the world, 'look here, you jerks. He's done it without going to school, no, because he isn't going to school'.

What happens to their children then? They are destined to carry the burden of their parents’ ideologies. Either they give in to the expectations and become a faint shadow of their parents or walk the exact opposite path just to revolt. In any case, the kids have to manage the pressure to perform and still appear at ease.

There is a way out of this trap, as I see it. First, we must stop hiding behind the ideologies and convincing ourselves that we’re sacrificing for the larger good. It is not a myth, but a blatant lie that by leading a virtuous, socially conscious life, by caring and sharing, we will give rise to a new and a better way of living. Over two thousand years of experience of various religions is before us to prove that by following commandments of virtue, by telling stories about the eventual victory of good over evil, we haven’t achieved that. If we have to go back to the urban life, competitive schooling and the rat race to achieve more, so be it. It’s much better than harbouring the bitterness that comes from the sense of sacrifice.

Once we are clear that irrespective of the larger good, we’d like to live on the farm, homeschool our children, we must realise that we’re on a different train. We are not headed to the same destination as the rest of the world. So, we don’t need to justify our decisions by getting our children to reach the same summit of success. That definition of succesd is irrelevant for us. How can one reach Delhi when one has boarded a Chennai bound train from Mumbai? We must, however, strive hard to reach Chennai – because that is our new definition of success. We must, then, clearly articulate what success means and make it known to those who love us and wish well for us. They must know which train we’ve boarded and feel happy for us when we reach there safely.

What Should a 10 yr old Learn

By 10, a child gets exposed to most aspects of life. That also means that he needs a conceptual framework on the basis of which, he develops his understanding of these aspects. Generally, parents tend to hide the child from some facets or tell him, “You’re not grown up enough to understand. You’ll understand when you grow up.” Often, this response of parents is to cover their own lack of understanding or to pass on their responsibility to someone else.

I’m not referring to sex and violence. Of course, these are included in what I’m talking about.

I think a 10 year old is ready to receive a conceptual and basic understanding of the below subjects. I’m listing subjects, which are typically not covered in academic curriculum in schools. An understanding of these areas will greatly compliment their learning at school.

1. Micro Economics (Monetary and natural resources)
2. Personal Finance and Consumer Banking
3. Principals of Governance
4. The Political and administrative structure
5. Human and Animal Psychology
6. Vocations, professions, business and social service
7. Sex Education
8. Food & Nutrition
9. Health & Healing
10. Religions

The academic inputs, which include languages, mathematics, science, history and geography are extremely critical and must be imparted with an honest effort to increase understanding and develop skills.

Most of these are factual or exact subjects. However, it is quite natural for parents to color the knowledge with their beliefs and values. This must be avoided. A child will naturally develop an inclination towards either side of the value system and may also switch sides in time. But if the parents advocate a particular side, it may hamper the child’s development of thought. It may also create a dissonance if the child realizes that his personal inclination is not aligned to his parent’s.

Context

We feel a tremendous gratitude towards people who wish well for us and our children. They watch us, our actions and decisions with a great deal of care and concern. They keep track of our lives and are always there for us. 

At times however, our behaviour or our reactions appear to hurt, annoy or cause sorrow to them. Talking it over again hasn't helped. The more we talk, the wider the gap becomes, or so it appears. Every time I think it over, I realise that the gap is at a contextual level. 

Education of children is one such area. My attempt to articulate the context is as below.     

1. We’re not trying to make our children like us (or like anyone else for that matter). They are of their own type. Every day we get to know them better. We try to disassociate our likes, dislikes, beliefs and ideologies from their characteristics and traits. That way, we are able to accept them the way they are.
2. We’re living among people who do a lot for their children and their ‘bright’ future. We are still exploring what ‘bright future’ means and whether brightness is so critical. They seem quite confident about what is good and what is not. We are not confident; in fact we don’t know. Our children may not fare too well on the measuring scale used by most people. We’re yet to understand the relevance of that scale. The situation is not very easy for us, but our commitment for our children is utmost.
3. Some people sometimes feel sorry for our children. They’re angry with us. We and our children get to know of this. It’s quite a strange situation. While we’re thanking God, feeling happy for our children; they pity our children, accuse us of being irresponsible parents.
4. Some learning happens through experience. Experience may cause hardships & pain. It may seem like we’re pushing them into pain or inviting hardships, but as we see it, they’re learning.

All the points I made above may appear theoretical, even cliched. In my subsequent blog posts, I will try and illustrate the application of these points in practical situations. 

Exploring Parenting

When Rekha asked Siddharth once ,”Do you feel you should go to school?”, he said, “No Ma. School is too much pressure. Little pressure is required, but not too much”. I’d asked another kid once, a little older, who’d been to a school, “Why do you think one should go to school?” and she’d replied, “Because you have friends”, and then added with some thought and emphasis, “and enemies. Enemies are also very important.”

Life is quite difficult for children with parents like ours. I can talk about my children. I’m not sure I’d have liked to be in their position. Siddharth is almost 8 and because he’s a ‘thinking’ boy, in many ways, he’s grown beyond his age. In many ways, he is the little boy. Though we’ve never compared him with his cousins and other children going to regular schools in cities, may be he does, quite sub-consciously. Some others do judge and compare, when he stays with or interacts with people in cities. A few of these interactions have been quite nasty. For this one reason, both of us (Rekha and I) hesitate him staying in a city for even a few days.

There is a yardstick he measures himself against and surely there are times he’s not happy with the result. We too, at times, display our discontent over his tendencies, behavior. At times, he is visibly under some stress for unknown reasons. We reassure him, get him out and he does get back. But traces of the tension remain and when layers of this tension get added with time, I don’t think it’ll to much good to his confidence.

Why I say it is difficult for children with parents like ours is that we haven’t started this journey on a clean slate. There’s the backdrop of having broken off the mainstream. So, there’s always a pressure to fare better than the mainstream – and on their yardsticks. For years, our children are witness to these talks & discussions about our breaking off, reasons, often, moral high-ground and to add to it, our stance not to get pressurized.

On one hand there is this stress, but it is not even acknowledged, leave alone dealt with. On the other hand, there is no explicit yardstick, against which they can measure themselves and either feel good about themselves or try to do better.

Our unsettled lifestyle since we moved out of Barkheda is not helping the cause at all. As time passes, we’re realizing that the answer to the question of a permanent place to stay is becoming more elusive.

I can see an answer, but it will require quite some hard work, discipline and perseverance for us, parents. We better do it. There is no option.